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Talk:Bitter Sweet Symphony (2)/@comment-25624149-20130222232542
I hate myself. I feel ugly. I hate my freckles. And I tried to get rid of them by using lemon juice because I heard that it suppose to get rid of them. I only feel beautiful when I wear make up. And I could still hear those bullies, taunting me, telling me that I'm ugly. And I hate how skinny I am. And it doesn't help the fact that my parents criticize my body weight, telling me that I'm anorexic and I don't eat. (Which is not true.) Especially my mom. And I know that she's only doing this because she's self conscious about her weight. She keeps complaining that she's "fat" even though she's not. She exceries almost every day and mostly eats healthy food and tries to stay from non healthy food. I never told my old friends of what I was feeling becuase they had problems of thier own. (ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend problems, drug addict moms, sexuality, self harm, sexual assult, had teen sisters that got pregnant, had a mom that passed away in car accident when she was just a child, lived in poor neighborhoods, etc.) If I told them, my problems would mean nothing to what they were dealing with. They would tell me that I'm actually lucky and have a perfect life. They currently don't know that I have anxiety issues, that I have PTSD, and have OCD, and get panic attacks. They currently don't know that I'm in thearpy and I'm taking medication. And they'll never know because we all seperated from high school graudation. I miss them very much. They don't use facebook because they don't like it. And they barley text message me becuase they're too busy what they're doing right now. I wish that they were still here with me. They might not had the perfect lives but they always tried to see the bright side of things and I'm happy that they did, despite what happend to them. I wish that I was strong like them. And having learning disabilites is never easy to deal with. When it comes to math, I feel stupid. My sisters are better at math than me and they're two years younger than me. My parents put pressure on me when it comes to school work. They would tell me to stop using my learning disability as excuses and just do the work. I kept telling them that it wasn't my fault and I tried very hard. When it comes to math and science, my mom's favorites subjects, she expects me to pass them. Its easy for them to say since they don't have learning disabilities. And they're already deciding whats best for me. My mom wants me to be a doctor and tells me that doctors make a lot of money but I don't care about that. I don't want to waste my time to study because I don't want to be a doctor. She also expects me to give her grandkids because the oldest always goes first and it has to go through pregnancy. I don't know if I want to be a mom. I mean maybe I could do adoption but I don't want to go through pregnancy. Lets say if I was pregnant, what would happen if my anxiety issues got in the way since I worry too much and I couldn't take my medication due to pregnancy. What if I had a miscarriage or gave birth to a stillborn? That would be all for nothing right? And my super religious dad always brings religion into everything. He always uses God and the bible as excuses and I get tired of hearing the same things over and over. And sometimes, I get doubts. I'll be like "Are you even there or you are just tired of helping people?" My dad also told me that my generation is messed up. While I'll agree that some kids are not making good descions, it doesn't mean that my generation is messed up. He thinks that kids that wear black are devil worshipers. Wow dad, look what you're doing. You said not to judge people but thats what you're doing. Some of my friends wore black clothes almost everyday and none of them worshipped the devil. They all had different beliefs. They're really nice people. And my mom always try to make me become like my cousin Faby. She's athletic, she sings in church, she's popular in school, and I know that she wants to be a mom. I know that my cousin is everything that my mom wants as a daughter. So mom and dad, I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you wanted.